5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
We need more people like this.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next