People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
You Might Also Like
Krampus.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.