My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
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When you pick your nose after dusting the house
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
eating my hot dog hamburger style
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano