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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
forgive me baja for i have blast
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Woke up with morning Yule Log