911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
You Might Also Like
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math