Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry