EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
This is no longer winter this is harassment
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?