Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
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I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people