[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.