To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.