Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
next question.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
That’s classic.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]