him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me My dog
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020