Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.