Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
#JohnTravolta
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Strangers have the best candy.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six