Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!