Oh. My. God.
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Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
saw this in a dream
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.