i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
dogs can find happiness so easily
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine