So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
thanks auntie mary
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?