I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.