Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩‍⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️‍♀️👶

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’