Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.