My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you