Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are