My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
How all things should be taught/explained.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*