The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
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you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
dam girl
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.