Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?