I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
You Might Also Like
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My favorite farside!!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.