[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭