DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
i love meeting boys on tinder
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best