The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped