Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Life with a cat in one tweet
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be