Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”