God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
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I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Happens to everyone.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile