I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.