My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.