Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.