Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
me before I type out affect or effect
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
That stupid look on my face, is my face
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?