~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
It’s a gift
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?