Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.