Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers