This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: