I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
You Might Also Like
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”