Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.