I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
🌱🌱🌱
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
mechanics be like
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury