Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”