I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
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My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
crying
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
This is me
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.