My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Based Erika
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?