I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.