Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman