I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
These aliens are taking forever.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!